Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jasminek's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 11th, 2005
10:54 am	Remember that guy from San Diego? Well, I went to DC and had the most magical weekend of my life. We decided that weekend to try out a relationship. Despite my issues and fears about the long distance thing, I was overcome with a determination to make it work. And it has we are headed into the fifth month of being together and I just got back from visiting him over on the west coast last week. I am now figuring out a way to move out there as soon as possible which may mean (to the benefit of the disgruntled author of the comments to my previous message) I will be gone by January. Since the last time I wrote an entry, I have become a full fledged and newly certified interior fire fighter. I fought my first fire in june on the Thruway( 2 tractor trailers lit up and I got to be on nozzle it was awesome!!!!)I turned 21. Learned how to ride a jetski and lived on my own for the first time in my own apartment. My best friend is back in the hospital just for monitoring but I still don't like the idea of her being there so all those who believe, please keep Stefanie in your prayers and for those of you who don't please just keep her in your thoughts. So all in all the last few months have been a bit crazy. But that's life I guess... Current Mood: cold (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 24th, 2005
8:40 pm	my mission Well, I now know what I have to do...I just have to do it! It's always easy to come up with a solution to a problem but the follow through creates the struggle. This week has probably been the best week of the semester for me as it was also one of the more confusing... I got the job I really wanted. Finished with my mid terms and got out of my last class before Spring Break because of the snow. I spent some quality time with my mom for the first time in a long time and had enough money after paying my bills to by a little something for myself for the first time in what seems like forever. Now, the last thing I have to tick off my list is to say goodbye to someone who is causing way more stress and emotional crap in my life than I need to deal with... But I'm confused. We're not dating but we hang out more now than we did back then. I have fun hanging out with him but sometimes he says and does hurtful things without realizing it and makes me feel guilty for getting upset, like there's something wrong with me. but there is something about him that makes me keep coming back and it's not his looks( though he would argue otherwise). I'm not going to be the typical stupid girl who has welcome stamped to her forehead and hence I now know what I have to do...I just have to do it... Current Mood: determined (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
8:42 pm	;lkasjd;laksfasldkfj I am one confused chica!!! I know what I have to do and I know what I want to do but those just happen to be two completely different things. Life is full of disappointments, I know everyone will tell you that when things begin to go wrong. But I think I'm starting to find a way to make sure those disappointments don't happen as often. Either way I keeping myself too busy to do much of anything besides the things that I'm doing. I'm covered in bruises and couldn't be happier. Jiu jitsu is becoming almost an obsession. I have to drop ten pounds so I can fit in the lighter weight class and I'm determined to do it. My flexibility is getting better and I'm actually becoming more aggressive. I know most people who know me think that's possible but in fact with jiu jitsu I tend to be too passive. I wait for the person to attack and then I defend. Now I'm beginning to become more comfortable with a wider variety of attacks so my aggression/competitive nature is starting to kick in!! YAY!! Classes are keeping me busy and so are the kindergarteners that I work with twice a week(soon to be three times a week) My family life is beginning to stabilize somewhat but that will only last for a little while. I have made new friends through jiu jitsu. I think I found my twin in the only other girl who goes to jiu jitsu. She is amazing and I love her!!! I have found someone who has many of the same passions as I do. A frighteningly similar personality and who is a ton of fun to be around. I have friends that I'm close with and who I couldn't have made it to this point in my life without, but I have never found another girl who had as big of a masculine side as me lol... Now I have and I only wish I had met her sooner. So that's the happy ending to my week! No more moping and crappy sad feelings. I don't have time for those nor should I be wallowing in my own self pity. So Peace Out stupid self pity and hello to much more productive and enjoyable things! Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
12:44 am	I'm back So now for the next update. It seems like I write to inform you of new guys I meet end up with then break up with. so... I'm single again. Shocked? Nope? Yeah well, I figured as much. I just realized that today would have been our two month anniversary sort of um but yeah as you've probably guessed it didn't work out. However we have decided to maintain a friendship. I really did like the guy and really wanted it to work, but I realized that he didn't want a relationship, although he thought he did. We have a lot of fun together and we still hang out sometimes but I knew that if we stayed together he just would have thought I was a bitch and i would have gotten frustrated with him to the point that I wouldn't even want to talk to him anymore. So I had a boyfriend and now I don't but somehow it all worked out anyway. I'm now bartending 3 nights a week. Taking a crapload of classes student, teaching twice a week. going to rugby 4 times a week. Aerobics 2 times a week and I have started to focus on jiu jitsu so I do that 3 times a week. Among all of this I started talking to a guy I played rugby with over the summer and we talk on the phone and online a lot now. He has told me repeatedly that he really likes me and would like to take me out. Here's the thing he lives 5 hours away. I think that there could be potential there but my gut is telling me hell no!!! Avoid a relationship with him like the plague, it's not going to work! He's coming down in a few weeks to visit and I agreed to meet up with him and I know he's going to try and convince me to date him but I don't know what to do. I want a relationship but how can I be with someone who's FIVE Hours AWAY?!!!! I'm way to insecure and I need to spend time with the person I'm with. I know it won't work. On top of that I'm going to Washington DC next month to visit with one of my really good friends from San Diego because he's getting flown out there to receive an award from the Navy. I feel connected to this guy and I don't know if it's cuz he's so far away, but I care about him and I know that if we ever lived closer to each other I would jump at the chance to date him. This guy who's coming to visit will be loyal and I'm pretty sure he'll treat me right so I'm really tempted to give it a try but at the same time I've been going through men like crazy in the past year. I think that must mean that I have to figure some things out before I give another relationship a try. I've been trying to think of a way to characterize myself and this is what I've come up with: Im impulsive yet calculating and usually overly analytical. I'm adventurous but careful. I love being rough and tough yet I like to dress up and get my nails done( when I can afford it). I love to push people and motivate those who need to be motivated. I won't lie or cheat because that's something I've already been through. I'm not bitter about my past but I'm a little wiser from it. I chalk all my past experiences up to being just another lesson learned. Now, I just proceed with caution. I wanted this past relationship to work so badly and despite the ease with which we transitioned from dating to being friends it still hurts that he didn't want it as badly as I did. I cut the strings but he didn't even fight me, he just let them fall. Why can't I find a guy who thinks I'm worth holding on to? Am I doing something wrong? I know I'm a hard person to get along with sometimes. I realize that I'm demanding and that I can be difficult to deal with but am I really that bad that no one is willing to stick it out with me? Is it that no one wants to be with me or is it that I don't want to be with anyone? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I want a relationship, but I know that a big part of me is scared to invest my emotions into one. i have never been in love and I'm terrified to let myself love someone. I came close once, I think, but just as I was about to open up I realized that he would never want me as much as I wanted to be with him so I closed myself back up and walked away only to find out not only did he not want me, he was with other women while he was with me. I know that supposedly one day i'll find the right guy but what if by then I'm so cynical that I don't see that its him and I drive him away? I think it's my fault I'm alone, I think I push them away. I'm too impatient or I get scared or I don't feel a connection. Part of me tries to rationalize it and say hey, that's normal, your not going to feel connected to everyone who likes you and vice versa, but I feel like the only one's I supposedly feel connected to are the guys I know it won't work with and the guys that really are interested in putting in the time are the one's I just don't feel connected with. Am I afraid of commitment subconsciously and thats what's sabotaging any chances I have of having a successful relationship? I don't know! WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO THINK SO MUCH! Feel free to comment, thoughts and advice are welcome. Current Mood: restless (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 29th, 2005
7:28 pm	Well, I finished my third scarf only to realize that I must have messed up in the first three rows because I had a huge hole I was sooooooo mad but I fixed it enough so that no one will notice but now I have to finish a new one twice as fast for my friend, I'm not going to give her the crappy one! So anyhoo I guess tonight I will start the new scarf. I'm already dreading starting my classwork but I guess thats what I'm here to do. I have to start going to the gym again cuz the body is going to the crapper with all this idle time. I can't wait until rugby starts again. I hope jiu jitsu is still going on cuz I need my outlet for stress!! Is it completely ridiculous that I'm a junior in college and I have thought that I had my life planned out since high school, except that now I can't figure out what the hell I really want to do... Am I following the right path? I have been toying with the idea of attempting to become a police officer the idea has always been incredibly appealing to me. However, I really like the idea of working with children, just as much as I like the idea of working in the area of student affairs at the college level. Basically I'm just torn between those three things. I am going to school for teaching so when I finish I could go to grad school for student affairs and if I find that I'm not happy with either of those things I could take the next trooper test which will happen just about a year or two after I finish grad school (considering all things go accordingly) and no matter what happens whether I get hired or not I'll have three professional options and hopefully a network of other job opportunities. Networking that's what college is all about right? Grades will only get you so far but its you and your connections that will get you a job in the end. Well, that's enough brain dumping for today... Maybe if I get bored in the office I'll update you again but most likely that will not be the case. Later!! Current Mood: nervous (Comment on this)
Friday, January 28th, 2005
10:19 am	I'm back Sorry I "disappeared" but I've been a bit distracted lately. So the last time I wrote I spoke about my night out. That night I met somebody new. I had seen him a few times before but I'd never really talked to him. But, we had just started talking online a few days earlier and that night he came up to me and said hello. That night started an ongoing flirtation that led to a few dates, including a fun trip to the ice skating rink where we ended up being the only ones there.(I skated better than he did) I have a feeling that if it hadn't been so long since he'd ice skated last he would have been skating circles around me. So anyhow, for the last two weeks or so we've been spending time together and I think I'm going to have a boyfriend for my first valentine's day! Our relationship is funny. He makes me laugh and our interactions are casual but he treats me well. He realized that I have a tendency to walk quickly and beat him to the doors at which point I open them, so he's taken to beating me to the doors so he can open them for me. He holds my hand and thinks my reluctance to openly display affection in public is cute. He makes me feel desired for me as opposed to desired just because he thinks I'm pretty. We laugh and goof off, and wrestle as a matter of fact, we have an all out wrestling competition coming up soon. this is a new "thing" and I'm going to fight against my typical tendency to immediately start analyzing every little detail and every little thing that happens. So far I like him, I'm attracted to him and he's proven that he enjoys my company as well. For right now that's good enough for me. Oh, classes began this week and I can't stand my women's history professor. Her voice goes up and down and feels a bit like nails digging into my brain. I have been assigned two bartending shifts I now work sundays and Mondays WHOOOPPEEE!! Today I'm going to pick up stef and then I'm on duty tonight. I have to finish up the scarf I'm knitting for Alice before she ditches me for Australia (just kidding!) and I have to wait until thurs. before I can afford to buy my books. Yesterday a terrible thing happened, a little girl was murdered in the town I grew up I don't know much of the details but it threw my town into complete chaos. My heart goes out to her family, I can express in words my condolences without sounding completely cliche and insincere. For any who read this if you believe at all in the power of prayer, please say one for all affected by this horrible act. Current Mood: grateful (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
4:05 pm	a new day! Today is a new day, I went out last night on a whim and I had a surprisingly good time. I sang karaoke-Genie in a bottle(it wasn't the same without you Pilli!) and Eternal Flame yeah I know my friend really wanted to sing it. Then we went back to Cuddys where I was harrassed by a british man who liked to stand way closer to me than I was comfortable with. His accent was hysterical and my face hurt from laughing so hard. When he found out I was korean-Italian he said your gorgeous your an absolute Beaver! A Beaver? He said that was British slang for beautiful girl. I dunno but it was weird and fun... then to my other side were these two guys from Venezula(I hope I spelled that correctly) who were also really drunk and kept asking us the same questions over and over and over again. Randomly one of them came up to me and said he thought I looked south american and that I was cute and that he, "liked my face" then he walked away. I was a bit confused. Either way, I am now paying for my night on the town because I didn't get in until 4ish and had to be at training by 830am. I refuse to let myself wallow in anything that was the old jasmine's way and the new me just won't have it! I got a good group of girls to go out this friday and I can't wait to go out and DANCE DANCE DANCE all my frustrations, angers, and fears away... Despite all of this crappy fog which typically creates a dreary mood I'm feeling good except when I look at my room and think of all the work I still have to do... Grrrrrrr But alas I must go and clean boo... Hope your room isn't as messy as mine! Current Mood: cheerful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
9:45 pm	O K So this sucks... BUT Oh well such is life right?! Please pray for my dog, my mom just called me and said she thinks the dog is really sick. My puppie is my child and I don't know what I would do without her so I refuse to let her go. She's not old enough so please pray that she's ok. Please pray that my brother's girlfriend isn't pregnant with his child neither of them are ready to be parents. I can't describe the way I've been feeling as of this past week. I had a break down the first real crying binge I've had in two years since my father decided to reappear in my life, and now, I don't feel anything. I feel dead inside but alive at the same time. I don't know how to describe it. I have completely separated myself from my emotions which as a cancer I didn't think was possible. I don't like where this is going, I was like this in high school and was nick named the ice queen I had to struggle forever to get away from that and now I feel myself headed in that direction. I'm not sad, and I'm not angry, I'm not hopeless or desperate I'm just confused about how I'm feeling. Oh well as usual I don't expect this to make any sense it's just my random thoughts. My analytical self is going insane because I can't fricking figure this out. Oh well, answers don't usually tend to come overnight. Welcome back RA's!!! looking forward to another training! Yippee! Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 8th, 2005
9:05 pm	Back to square one So, single again...or was I single all along? Ah well. So me and the "man" had "the conversation" again. This time I confronted him about his earlier statement telling me that he wanted to be more consistent in my life. I told him that I wanted to know where we stood. He gave me more excuses and then upped it one by telling me that sometimes when he's with me he feels his age. I'm just a baby... yeah exactly that basically pushed me over the edge that I had been swaying back and forth on. So, I told him that I wanted more, and that I didn't want to push him into a situation that he would be uncomfortable with. I told him that if we stayed in the situation we were in that I would eventually become pushy and I said that's not someone I ever want to become. So, I am single again. I ran into him last night and we danced together(for the first time since we were together) and had an amazing time. But at the end of the night, he asked me to stay with him and he'd behave but I had to walk away. I said your clouding things he said I know, I try to be strong but I fall to pieces around you... Typically I'd have given in to him. I didn't end it because I didn't want him anymore I sacrificed my desires to protect myself because I know in the end he'll hurt me. When he grows tired of the "baby" and finds the woman he wants he'll discard me or if I stay in this "relationship" I'll become a bitter, jealous bitch and I refuse to go down that path. Not to mention I don't want to be with anyone who sees me as a child. I had never paid much attention to our age differnce or listened to the things other people said because I liked you and could care less what other people thought until he told me that. Oh well, I'm sad that I have to say good bye but last night was the first time I've actually denied you and walked away sticking to what I said. It's so easy to give in but I'm done, I want more he doesn't so now I'm here. Wonder what's next?... Current Mood: lonely (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
4:20 am	looking back I've been reading through everything that I've written prior to this entry and the theme seems to be venting. That was initially my reason for signing onto livejournal this morning... Anyhow, I realize how pointless my anger was tonight/day but it was real nonetheless. I have this overwhelming feeling of not being able to catch up with myself. I feel like my body is running up ahead and my mind/spirit can't keep up... My brain tells me to do one thing and my body says no we're going to do this. My life is operating at lightning speed and I can't find the brakes to slow it down. I know I have lots of life left but there is this part of me that feels a pressure to rush and do everything now. I want to know love not later but now. Do I know what I'm looking for? Hell NO! Do I still look and hope only to be disappointed time and time again?... Yes!Why do I do these things? Why do I put the time and effort into the wrong people? Why? Why do I try so hard with you? I've been with you forever on and off now... You make me laugh and it's been rare that you've made me cry and I've never let you see my tears... you have consistently kept me confused for fear that our situation would become boring. You've been with other women, I know...that hurts. I've become the stupid doormat I've always pitied. Karma is a funny thing... I know that no matter what this has and is continuing to be one of the longest lessons I've had to endure. I keep cautiously seeing where this will go, I keep trying to learn this lesson... We're good together for now. I know you and I are definitely not meant to be permanent but I thought maybe you'd be my first love. Now I realize I put to much weight on that. Love, what is that anyway? You have been an infatuation... I'm not ready to know love yet, I want it, and it's never far from my thoughts, but that's why I know your not the one. For right now your exactly what I need, but I need to figure out how to not be so damn passionate. I can't do anything half assed our situation included. When you decided to be with me you got all of me. You can nurture some of my needs but I need to find someone who can nurture all of my needs. I will search all of my days to find you, who you are I don't know yet but, I will know you when I see you... Obviously that day hasn't come and thankgod who needs that kind of stress at 20 anyhow! I am going to embrace being single(or try anyway) All of my entries seem to be centered around the attempt to change or achieve this goal. I hope this time I'm a little more successful. Current Mood: optimistic (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
6:59 pm	Whoops so I was wrong! Ha ha well, how to begin... Oh how blissfully naive I have a tendency to be... So for those of you who know me, Mike is history he ended up being a sexist, racist, overly possesive pig who made me feel like a piece of meat... It was fun while it lasted however it did not last very long. I have been on the rebound since the night before Halloween and have had some interesting encounters since then. A guy from my past has made it his job in life to baffle and confuse me. I don't know how to deal with him anymore. He says one thing and does the opposite or acts out what he says and then is inconsistent. I have never been so f*/-#&^ confused in my entire life. Do I wait? Do I keep what we have going and ask for nothing more? Do I drop him and move on? Is it that easy? Everyone I talk to says I deserve better, but obviously I don't because everytime I think better comes along it ends up being a worse version of what I was previously in. Grrrrrrr the greatest guy I've ever met lives in San Diego and I haven't seen him in a year which was when I met him. Blah so that is how my pathetic man life has been... I have to focus on myself blah blah blah yeah yeah I know I know... Anyhoo, I'm stuck on campus(of my own accord of course!) for the winter and I got a new exciting job bartending! I finally get to bartend YAY! So that's what I've been up too. Tomorrow is christmas eve and I'll be alone, I always seem to wing it so that I'm alone for christmas, new years and valentine's day. The three most important holidays for kissing. Booo me! when will I learn to keep them around? Ah well, gots to go... Happy Holidays!!! Current Mood: amused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 8th, 2004
6:34 pm	Guess what?! So for those of you who have heard about my ups and downs with guys and know how utterly ridiculous I've been or should I say those who know about the utterly ridiculous "relationships" I've allowed myself to get into I'm going to share some good news. I realize I've had a tendency to involve myself in and I quote from a good friend, "relationships that you know won't go anywhere" Well, I've finally met someone who doesn't fit in that category as a matter of fact I haven't written about him because I wanted to disprove someone's theory that it wouldn't even last two months. Well, we hit the two month mark tomorrow so there! This guy is unlike anyone I ever would have pictured myself with. I met him as a result of my pushy mom who decided to take matters into her own hands when I was too shy to give him my phone number. Yes, my mom embarrased the hell out of me by walking up to him and saying,"are you interested in my daughter? want her number?" and the rest is history. His name is Mike and He also happens to be the one who got into the motorcycle accident. I have already opened up a lot with him and him with me. He is kind, blunt and brutally honest at times. He has a tendency to get jealous, but then again so do I. He has already created himself a place in my heart, so far he's just a friend I really care about but hopefully it will develop into somthing more. I'm nervous that he might hurt me, but at this point who hasn't so why care? It can't possibly be worse than cutting myself off from caring altogether. I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I'm shaky, but I'm not lonely or depressed anymore and that is a definite plus. so that's just the update. Yay for me!!!! Current Mood: flirty (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 24th, 2004
10:18 pm	Its been awhile Well, it has certainly been a long while since I've used this thing. Since the last time I updated my journal I have, gone to St. Louis Missouri, St. Augustine Florida, San Diego, turned 20, taken kickboxing lessons, jiu jitsu lessons, started my junior year of college, gotten out of a confusing relationship that had stagnated and met somebody who completely baffles me. This person is the opposite of any "type" I thought I was attracted to. We have a lot in common and we have been talking to eachother for a couple weeks now. Last night he was on his way to visit me on his motorcycle and he got hit by a car (the driver wasn't paying attention) that was going 55mph. He could have been killed, the fact that he is alive with only some serious damage to his leg is a miracle. I have never known the kind of fear and panic I felt when I got the phone call that he'd been in an accident and was in the hospital, before in my life. When I saw him and the pain that he was in, I almost started crying again. I looked at his helmet and the pants that they had to cut off of him and realized how badly the accident could have ended. His helmet was completely messed up(Thank god it did it's job), his leg fractured in three places and there was severe trauma to the back of his thigh, where the car connected with his leg. The worst thing was that there was nothing he could have done to prevent the accident. I don't mean to be a downer but this just happened to me, I mean I held his hand while the doctor stitched his leg back together. I've never been through anything like that before in my life and it just helps to get it all down. On a lighter note, I have my first game this weekend and every girl on the Marist team better watch out because everyone of them has just become the woman who hit my friend! Never hesitate or hold back with the people you care about, because you could lose them in a matter of seconds. Thank you God for watching over Mike and bringing him back to his family alive and safe. Thank you for helping me to realize not to waste time or only put forth half of myself. Life is too short to waste time worrying whether or not someone cares about me as much as I do them. I realize that I spend too much time closing myself off from relationships that might actually go somewhere and putting myself in relationships I know aren't going to go anywhere as a means of self preservation. But the events of the past two days have helped me realize that its just not worth it, all that I'm doing is removing myself from the possiblity of experiencing that one great person or love. I want to let go of the reigns of my life that I've been clutching onto so tightly for so long and let someone help me hold them. I have a feeling that the saying, "old habits die hard" is definitely going to come into play, but I am going to try as hard as I can and thats the best I can do. I advise anyone in a similar position to do the same! I hope it will be worth it. Current Mood: pensive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 29th, 2004
2:32 pm	Talking Lately it seems like I've been talking with my newfound friend Bucky about everything. He is an amazing listener and he has really insightful advice. I think he is becoming frustrated with me, because I know I'm stuck in a rut, and I know how to get out of it, in fact I often tell others exactly how to do it, but do I apply my advice to myself? Nope... Actually he called me a fucking jackass in mid conversation last night jokingly and it really made me think. I have been acting like a fucking jackass. Why would anyone with the knowledge that they have this problem/habit/way of dealing with something that is causing them to restrict themselves or to make unhealthy decisions, who also know how to fix that problem etc... keep doing the same thing and not try to solve it. I've become comfortable with selecting people(men) who are safe. Meaning when I meet a guy I assess him and decide(whether consciously or not) if it'll actually work. I don't continue talking to the guy unless(in most cases) I know it won't work. This is why I like a guy who lives across the country and spends most of his time on a ship in the navy. He has an amazing personality that draws me in but at the same time he isn't here to put the pressure of a relationship on me. I tried the whole friends with benefits thing knowing it wasn't going to work and invested more than I thought I would into it, however I again picked someone who obviously wasn't going to make the long haul. To be safe you see? I guess I have a fear of commitment(go figure). But at the same time I do want a relationship. I'm picky and have standards that are too high. I have emotional baggage that causes these things. I for the most part know what caused me to feel the way that I do and think the way that I do especially regarding relationships. However, I have a lot of insecurity there as well. So, I may just have to take a blind leap and get hurt. It's a big step for me and as I was telling a friend of mine sometimes you just have to do it. If you get hurt you will heal. And you'll walk away from that situation a little wiser. It's unfair to yourself if you don't give happiness I try. I'm tired of being lonely even when I'm supposedly with(but not really) with somebody. So I'm ending the past and beginning anew. I'm going to make a conscious effort to change how I view relationships. Instead of a potentially dangerous trap, I will view them as an opportunity for learning and growth. And maybe then I will stop being so insecure. If I get hurt, I along with my friends that I'm blessed enough to have will pick up the pieces and try to start again. Thank you soo much for spending hours just talking and listening to me Bucky! It means the world to me. Current Mood: determined (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 20th, 2004
1:56 pm	hello! Hello again, it's been a while now since my last entry. Now for the update, today I just got back to school after being home for an entire week of nothing but relaxing and reading eating good food and getting some necessary shopping done(Thanks Mommy!) My mom came with me of course and lended me her incredibly brutal but honest opinion on how I looked in the things I tried on. Mom, you can't go shopping without her. Anyway so I spent some time visiting old friends, I visited my old high school and played with my brother everyday. Now I'm back to write a paper, study for my three mid terms that got post poned until next week and to bust my ass getting in shape for our game against West Point(Please god help me get in really good shape so I don't die!!!) I have to unpack and get settled back in. I've only been gone a week but it feels like months. The guy issue still remains unsettled and still looks hopeless, I keep getting myself into sticky situations with just conversations. Out of nowhere, this guy I met out in California (Justin not Bo, Tiff) called me and we talked for an hour about nothing and he tried to convince me that I had to get out there. Bo on the other hand the one I actually enjoy maintaining contact with is consistent and calls me when he can and emails me every day. We have created quite a friendship over the internet and on the phone. I haven't had a friendship like this with a guy that is completely platonic well, ever really. My ex I think has moved on or doesn't want to talk to me which I haven't decided whether it really bothers me or not. I'd hate to fall into the typical jealous ex category just because he's getting on with his life when I let him go in the first place. I think it was just being home and seeing a lot of the things he gave me while we were together. Well Dylan whatever your doing I genuinely hope your happy and doing what you want to do. I wish I could just get boys off my mind completely and be happy with being single but I'm not. There's a part of me that just really wants to be wanted ya know? and not just in the physical sense. I'll find it when it comes along but until then I should try not to stress it right?! Well I'm TRYING! Trying to relax and not be so uptight and to let loose and have a good time and to just have fun. I'm going to go clean my room now so have a good one!! Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
12:54 am	grrrrrrrrrr I'm again writing to release some pent up frustration with myself and others in my life. I haven't been home in two weeks and I think that's a record since my first semester at college. My mom's birthday is this week and I can't get home to see her for it. Not a big deal to most however she's going through a rough time right now and needs my support and I'm frustrated to hell that I can't fully be there for her. I miss my little brother horribly and am incredibly pissed at myself for bringing more stress upon myself than necessary. Technically I have no right to complain about anything because I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to rely on other than myself and my mother. My friends are the most wonderful people in the world but because of my own issues I don't like imposing upon them to ask for help or attention. I have three people I feel I can share everything with and for that I realize I am truly blessed, but there are times when I feel completely alone, again my own fault. I'm confused about my love life or lack there of. I give up trying to understand people. I've never been in love. I have cared for someone with all of my heart but realized that I have yet to actually experience love. Part of me is desperate for it and the other more in control part refuses me to put myself out there for something so risky and dangerous. I took a mini step out there in the direction of trying to understand someone and had my efforts thrown back in my face. Only to have that person slowly try to reel me back in, but for what purpose? Because he actually wants to be with me? Because he honestly realized he cares? Or, because he doesn't want to give me up, not because he feels something more than lust for me. I bailed to save myself and he promised not to play head games but I feel like he can't help himself. I'm not afraid of taking a chance on someone however I'm not going to place a bet on a sure failure. Well whatever I'm glad for the opportunity to vent. For anyone who reads this pay no mind, it's a meaningless piece of writing who's sole purpose is to act as a venting method. Have a good one! Going to get some sleep now! Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Monday, February 16th, 2004
11:12 pm	Good and Bad Happy belated Valentine's Day people!!!! I thought that my Valentine's Day was going to be horrible this year, but surprisingly, it was my best single v-day celebration ever. I have two beautiful bouquet's of flowers decorating my room. I've never been surprised, truly surprised by anyone for any special occasion ever and this year, it happened twice. The first surprise came friday. I stopped by the office on my way out when I was told that there was a surprise for me in the other room. When I walked in I saw a dozen red and white roses with a little white teddy bear attached to them waiting for me. When I read the card there was no name. I thought I was going to go insane with trying to figure out who sent them to me. I eventually received a phone call from my "admirer" I was incredibly flattered, and also flustered. I had no idea what to do or how to react. I said thank you a million times, but know what to do next. I like the person as a friend but not as anything more than that(that seems to be happening a lot doesn't it?) I feel like an idiot, these wonderful people have been coming forward and expressing interest, but I'm not interested what the hell is wrong with me? The second surprise came on v-day morning. I was sleeping when someone pounded on the door. I was tired and didn't want to get up so I pretended I wasn't there until I heard a voice say, "ummm yeah, she isn't answering her door, should I leave them outside?" so I ran to the door embarrassed and said, I'm sorry I thought you were someone else, and I was hiding in my room, I would have looked out the peep hole but someone colored over it in marker. the guy laughed at me and then handed me this gorgeous bouquet of pink, purple and white flowers in a beautiful pink vase. This was from an incredibly nice guy that I had met in San Diego and have kept in contact with since. This caught me so off guard that I was dancing and skipping around my room. I have never before in my life received this kind of attention and let me tell you it's addicting! The flowers make me feel beautiful and wanted, I am so grateful for them. So that's the good. Now for the bad, which isn't all that bad, I was sort of seeing a guy, a nice,friendly and incredibly charismatic guy who swept past all my barriers and challenged me to try something new. I gave this "thing" a try and decided I'd try to get to know who he is inside. In doing so I sacrificed my desires for certain things, including the status of having a relationship for his company, and for the way he made me feel. However I realized that he was remaining unchanged emotionally whereas I was heading down the path to disaster. I refuse to head down that path alone so I bailed. I have been the one to sacrifice things in the few encounters with men I've had so far, and I know that I'll just end up unhappy. I answered to the call of a challenge, realized I could do it, but that if I continued there would be consequences. I have finally realized (thanks to my secret comrade) that I do deserve better. I can't open up by myself, I need someone who cares enough about me to create a zone where I feel comfortable and safe revealing my true self. I don't want to be someone's trophy or fantasy. I want to be someone's someone. I don't want to feel used, I want to feel treasured and respected. I'm terrified to let someone in but at the same time I desperately want to. If I hit resistance I'll only push so much, if I realize I'm starting to hit the danger zone and my partner isn't following I'll take off running. I guess I just haven't met the right person to give chase yet. I'm beginning to get a handle on this being single thing anyway! Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Friday, February 13th, 2004
12:58 am	Sorry but this doesn't make much sense! Just venting! I try to make it a habit not to be bitter on Valentine's Day. Because well in all actuality I've only ever shared it with someone twice in my entire experience with Valentine's Days. I don't really get the hype. If you truly love someone you should tell them and show them everyday or sporadically surprise them to reinforce just how much you love them. Being single, I have no one other than my family, and they show me quite often how much they care, as I try to show them how much I care. I also have my friends, but I don't know, I usually portray myself as one who really isn't all that into the mushy stuff, but in reality I'm such a sap. I don't know, maybe I was dropped as a child, but I've been categorized as a tomboy all my life, because of my affinity for sports. When I got to school that only got worse once I joined rugby, a sport that I'm in love with because it's challenging and demanding and a release. However as much as I love my sports I love to dress up, and spend time taking care of myself. I like to sing, dance, go horseback riding, which I haven't done since I was little. And, I like to ride atv's/ 4 wheelers, dirtbikes, watch wrestling, and read stupid trashy romance novels where the entire plot is completely unrealistic and will never happen in real life. I love all of these conflicting interests. Like my interests, my personality also has many facets. On one hand, yeah I'm tough and fiercely protective of those that I care about, and I like to kick ass on the field. But I DO NOT LIKE TO BE MEAN!!!! I don't want to be characterized as the bitch. I try so hard to prove that that isn't who I am and end up confusing others as well as myself. I get myself into situations that I don't know how to get myself out of. I end up encouraging people who I care about and like, but only as friends. Because of my desire to not hurt them I don't dissuade them early enough, and feelings end up getting hurt anyway. I have feeling like a jerk! But I feel like one all of the time. I always manage to slip and say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time and hurt people that I care about. I let my frustration speak for me before I consider what it is that is spewing from my mouth. And at the same time, I'm just a really big hypocrite, I can tell people to be straight forward with people, but when it comes to relationships in my own life, I turn into an idiot who doesn't know how to express myself intelligently. I've never had that problem before. Only recently have I not been able to tell,people(guys mainly)how I feel, for fear of; 1 if the guy likes me, I'll scare him or push him away like I always do or 2 if the guy likes me but I don't return his sentiments, I'll hurt him or that it's my fault. I don't know what to say to the guy, they don't believe what is the truth and that is, that it really is not them, it is me. I am confused and do not know what I want other than the fact that I know that right now, I'm not feeling for them as they feel for me. Then somebody says,"damn you shot him down" or "ouch that had to hurt" WTF?! I can't win, no matter what I do or say someone gets hurt. Well if it makes you feel any better, It hurts me too, but if I don't tell you now and lead you on, isn't that worse? I won't do that. God this is a long entry, and obviously one that is strictly for venting and not for making much sense. With that, I'll say Happy Valentine's Day(w/out sarcasm and with meaning) I am determined to enjoy my day so I wish only the best for everyone elses!!!! Sorry for the vent fest. I guess everyone needs to wallow or think out loud once in a while. Current Mood: contemplative (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
3:37 pm	It's been a while Hello! Well, it's been quite a while since i've updated this thing so I figured it was about time I did so. Around here the weather has been incredible cold and snowy, and then warm and snowy. I wish it would just make up its mind. Rugby is starting up again, and the team has begun to get in shape. We swim, go to aerobics and get 2 hours of gym time a week to practice our skills because we are currently without a field. I've been at the gym everyday for the past 21/2 weeks and for the past week I've been making two trips min. a day. I'm finally figuring out how to balance things out and relax a little. For too long, I've been incredibly uptight and overly goal oriented. I've been concentrating too hard on what I can accomplish as opposed to what I have done already, and when I should take a break. I went out last night with an incredibly good friend and closed the bar for the first time this semester. We braved the sleet and ice to break free from our drab lives that we were both stuck in and walked into town. I had an amazing time, and needed the break from rules and responsibility. We went dancing, got hit on and were flattered shamelessly by several guys. It turned out to be an excellent night for our stress levels, as well as our self-esteem. Hallelujah and praise the lord because Jasmine and Alice finally let ourselves have a good time, and forgot about all the stress for one night. I love you girl. Thanks for putting up with me and forcing me to go out!!!!!!! Current Mood: grateful (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 25th, 2004
4:36 pm	Dazed and confused Well today was a completely lazy day with the exception of my trip to Radio Shack and Eckerd. I am incredibly bored and yet instead of sleeping like I probably should be I'm finding ways to keep myself up. Because if I sleep then I'll be toooo lazy. Just waiting for the start of a meeting I have to attend this evening I think, I might not have a meeting at all. I have decided that I pity men for having to deal with us women almost as much as I pity myself and all the other members of my gender for having to put up with men. I realize that I'm a difficult person to understand, hell I don't even understand me, or even know what it is that I want half the time. I apologize to all those who are currently dealing with my confusion. I'm actively trying to figure things out, and sort out all my inner conflicts however, this is a very slow and involved process and your patience is muchly appreciated. Today is a good day. For me it is a day of self reflection and introspection, who knows maybe I'll figure something out for a change. Have a wonderful Sunday everyone!!!!!!! Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)